if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
