As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
