OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it because I queefed?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
