you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
