just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
