a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
