If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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