Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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