Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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