Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
