oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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