he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
