My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
