respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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