I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
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