I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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