I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
