If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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