I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
