Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
