just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
