ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
