Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
