I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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