my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
