I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
