His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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