My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just had sex on a roof
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
