I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I need to stop coming to work sober
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
