did you get engaged???
if only i could text you this smell
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
