Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
