People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
