Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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