Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
