Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
