I don't usually arrange sex via text message
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize