I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
