my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
