I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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