his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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