I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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