failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize