Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
