i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
