I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
