So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
