He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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