i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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