i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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