I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
