My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is Oprah even human
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