About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
