Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
