How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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