i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
