Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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